“The United States is a nation divided into two groups, separate and unequal. The two groups work in the same economy, speak the same language, and have the same national history. But they live fundamentally divergent lives. One group receives benefits–psychological, social, economic, educational, and moral–that are denied to the other group.
The primary fault line dividing the two groups is not race, religion, class, education, or gender. It is patrimony. One group consists of those adults who grew up with the daily presence and provision of fathers. The other group consists of those who did not. By 2025 the two groups will be the same size.”
So, what’s the point?
“Tonight, about 40 percent of American children will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live. Before they reach the age of eighteen, more than half of our nation’s children will spend a significant portion of their childhoods living apart from their fathers. Never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily abandoned by their fathers.”
That prediction was written in 1995 by David Blankenhorn in Fatherless America. It has already come true! And if you don’t live in America and think this does not affect you, guess again. It may be more visible in America, but the problem is worldwide.
Our age is rife with real, urgent, and pressing issues, but none of them is as big a problem as Father Fracture. A Father Fracture occurs when you had a bad or no relationship with your father. It creates a void in your identity that has far reaching effects, and a Father Fracture is the root cause of:
- Lack of respect
- Disregard for authority and the law
- Low productivity
- Lack of trust
- Lack of confidence
- Low self-esteem
- Inability to make decisions
- Lack of commitment
The group that Blankenhorn described as “those adults who grew up with the daily presence and provision of father” experienced a life that the other group, those without a father, doesn’t even know exists. Your father is supposed to be your source of protection, your source of provision, and your source of trust. He is supposed to teach you how to play, how to take risks, and how to empathize with others. He is supposed to love you unconditionally, providing you with confidence in who you are, and giving you real self-worth.
At least half of you reading this have never experienced those things from a father. You are at a serious disadvantage. But the problem cannot be solved by being angry, resentful, or envious of those who were provided for by their fathers.
If you exhibit any of the symptoms of Father Fracture mentioned above, I have a few suggestions for you.
- Recognize that your issues are not your fault. Your Dad blew it, not you.
- Recognize your identity has a void in it. What your father was supposed to fill you with–confidence, self-worth, love, acceptance, etc.–still needs to be filled.
- You have a choice as to how you will fill your Father Fracture.
- You can ignore the problem, which is what most people will do. But most people don’t know what the real issue is, so they have an excuse.
- You don’t have that excuse anymore, so this is no longer a real option.
- You can fill it with anger at your father or the system. It seems that there are a lot of angry people in the world. Many are angry and they don’t know why. Choosing to remain angry when you know the root of your anger will not solve anything.
You can fill the void with the only real source of unconditional love. No living person can do what your father was supposed to do for you, which was to point you to the source of provision and love, your Father (God). It is difficult to understand the love of the Father if your father set a bad example, but no matter how bad your dad blew it your Father is waiting for you with open arms.
I realize these suggestions may not be easy to follow. After all, who wants to admit they don’t know what they have been missing?
You’re not alone
It may help you to know you aren’t alone, and that the problem isn’t new. As I mentioned, about half the population has grown up in a father-absent home for at least some portion of their life and no one had a perfect father. But the efforts to separate children from their fathers have risen steadily over the past decades with the advent of Nazism, Fascism, and communism . It has always been a focus of tyrannical regimes to get people to trust the state/government for all their needs as a means of controlling people and subverting freedom. As a response to the global rise in communism in the mid-1950s, congress felt a need to make a public statement as to who we should put our trust in.
A law unanimously passed by the 84th Congress and approved by the President on July 30, 1956, declared IN GOD WE TRUST the national motto of the United States. IN GOD WE TRUST was first used on paper money in 1957 and is a constant reminder that God is the only one who is trust-worthy; not the state, not your education, not your race, not your economic condition, and not your denomination.
If you now recognize that you have a Father Fracture and you would like a constant reminder of who you can and should trust, try keeping a quarter in your pocket. Ladies, I know you have pockets too, so you can do this as well. When you need a reminder to trust God just look at the face of the coin and read the words IN GOD WE TRUST. It is a reminder that your Father loves you and wants you to trust Him.
For more information on this critical subject get my book, Father Fracture, How Your Relationship with Your Father Affects Your Identity.